omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
is it fun? or sober?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
