i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
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We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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