just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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