I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
