If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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