at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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