does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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