enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The uberlube is also flammable
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
