My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just invented taco cereal.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
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