listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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