He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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