i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
