haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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