The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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