Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
