i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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