Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
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