I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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