He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
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