Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
