peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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