I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
