so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
