I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
