there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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