i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
