Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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