How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
