and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
