Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
