Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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