it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
