I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
