he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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