just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
