Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
