Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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