1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
