I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
