My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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