I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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