Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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