did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
