he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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