I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize