she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
high people should be assigned attendants
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
