Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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