just tell him i said nine months
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
