watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just cropdusted the office
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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