Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Drunk is a universal language darling
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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