we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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