I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize