things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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