If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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