Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
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Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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