I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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