Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
