Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
