I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
