its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
